


botched deliveries

by colouring



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Bad attempt at Crack, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, The pairings are only briefly mentioned, bad sex jokes, nonsensical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 09:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10613973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colouring/pseuds/colouring
Summary: What happens when Seungcheol confronts Soonyoung about the chicken coop in the living room?Heavily influenced by Llamas with Hats.





	

**Author's Note:**

> THE ONLY REASON THIS IS BACK IS FOR MY TWO BABIES SANJU AND ANNIE.
> 
> I don't actually think Soonyoung will be like this in real life but I also just needed chickens to be involved. Hence.
> 
> *Protects self from eggs and rotten tomatoes*

 

“Soonyoung, there is a chicken coop in the middle of the living room.”

 

“Hey, nice chicken coop there S. Coups, who was the slick genius behind that idea?”

 

“Soonyoung! I know you had something to do with this!”

 

“Whoah there leader, what’s with the accusation? What happened to Justice and Chivalry?”

 

“Then tell me exactly what you were doing an hour ago.”

 

“Uh, I was in my room.”

 

“Uh-huh”

 

“Just making choreographies, you know, Hoshi things”

 

“Okay”

 

“And then I had the intense rumblies so I ordered some chicken.”

 

“See! It was you ordered the chicken!”

 

“Hey! Would you be happy if I interrupted your bathroom make-out sessions with my twice daily bowel emptying?”

 

"You do that, anyway!"

 

"But were you _happy_?"

 

“...Fine, go on.”

 

“Well the doorbell rang and I got up with some money I stole from Vernon. And what do you know.”

 

“What.”

 

“It wasn’t the chicken delivery guy!”

 

“… Then who was it.”

 

“I don’t know, some skank from the League of Assassins who knocked me out cold with this Nunchuk that looks suspiciously like Minghao’s. You might want to investigate that boy, he’s a little shady with his toys.”

 

“And that’s what happened.”

 

“Yep, that’s what happened. You gotta call the police Seungcheol because Vernon’s money is suspiciously gone too and he must be compensated or else he's gonna cry about it in his raps and Pledis is gonna be sued and we're gonna be out of jobs. Jihoon is gonna get really mad then, and you know that's not good. More importantly, we have a duty to protect the public from fake chicken deliveries as Official Chicken Spokespersons.”

 

“Soonyoung, I’ve had enough! Was that not you I heard screeching ‘CHICKEN COOP COMIN’ THROUGH, MAKE WAY FOR THE KINGS YOU UGLY FUCKERS’”

 

“Well, obviously not because I would’ve called it the Palace of Delightfully Succulent Junglefowls. That’s what it says on the Birth certificate, see.”  


 

“Soonyoung, I have no idea what the fuck you just meant, but that chicken coop needs to go.”

 

“Just because you don’t understand something, doesn’t mean you ban them from entering your nation.”  


 

“Soonyoung this is not a nation! This is our dorm!”

 

“And our dorm accepts all members regardless of colour, religion, sexuality and species. How would Minghao, Jun and Vernon feel if they knew you were like this Seungcheol? I’m so ashamed to call you our leader.”

 

“Listen Soonyoung, that was not what I meant and that was not the point.”

 

“Wonho-hyung didn’t mean to expose the dirty Mnet did to Monsta X, but he did anyway.”

 

“Okay, stop going in circles Soonyoung! We’re not keeping the chickens here, they’re not pets.”

 

“Jonghyun-hyung has a pet dog why can’t I have a pet? That’s discrimination and disrespect to Shinee and Shawols and the National Pet Association of Kokko and Chickens alike.”

 

“Soonyoung! Chickens are not pets!”

 

“Yes they are! They are domesticated junglefowls. Do you know what domesticated means?”

 

“Soonyoung-“

 

“It means you keep them at home with you as a pet. Just like what you are to Jeonghan. Except I don’t really want to see naked chickens having sex. Because I definitely don’t want to see you two naked and having sex. Especially in the bathroom thanks”

 

“Soonyoung watch your mouth! I am NOT Jeonghan’s pet!”

 

“Uh, yeah you are. That neighing sound you made last night when Jeonghan made you cosplay as a horse? Whipped.”

 

“I can’t believe- what were you doing up at that hour?”

 

“Not recording your hoe-down for future references and inspirations, nope, that is definitely not a thing that I or Wonwoo did last night”

 

“Wonwoo heard it too?!”

 

“Hell yeah. Mingyu had to take a breather because Wonwoo wouldn’t stop moving and slapping his ass. Mingyu, surprisingly, does not like horseplay.”

 

“What were you three even- you know what, I’m gonna stop right now, and you are going to haul this chicken coop out before the garbageman comes around.”

 

“But what about the chickens INSIDE the coop, Seungcheol? Where’s your love and compassion? Or was that all just a mask to make us work for Pledis?”

 

“Speaking of which, why is the chicken coop really quiet?”

 

“Probably napping, they’re just baby chickens after all.”

 

“You’re saying they’re all napping at the same time.”

 

“I get that you’re getting old Seungcheol, but this level of cognitive impairment is really concerning.”

 

“I don’t have a good feeling about this, I’m gonna check.”

 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Chickens can get real feisty when you wake them up.”

 

“Soonyoung! Where are their legs?”

 

“What?”

 

“Their legs Soonyoung, what the _fuck_ happened to their legs?”

 

“What all legs do, Seungcheol. Run away from the cruelties of this world.”

 

“Their legs are chopped off Soonyoung, what did you do!”

 

“Well, if you'd been _listening_ you'd know that I had the rumblies that could only be satisfied with 10 servings of freshly fried chicken legs, yum, I can still taste their juices in my mouth.”

 

“I can’t believe you killed 10 chickens for this Soonyoung you could’ve just called the fried chicken restaurant like a normal human being!”

 

“Oh no, no, who said _I_ did the dismembering? No Siree, not me, that’s literally my least favourite thing to do.”

 

“Then who was it?”

 

“I hate to say it and you know I love the members with all my heart and soul, but it was Mingyu. Definitely Mingyu, I saw him with the knife and everything.”

 

“Stop blaming others, Soonyoung, Mingyu would never do that.”

 

“Oh yes, he would. I know Seungcheol, I was so disappointed in him too, but don't worry, I have taken the liberty to punish him for his behaviour, no need to thank me. He’s now being held captive somewhere in Kentucky where they know how to treat their chickens right.”

 

“Soonyoung! What the fuck! You can’t just do that! We need him, like tomorrow!”

 

“It’s not my fault he was ogling at Wonwoo! We invited him to a threesome last night but he didn’t even ogle at me! As President, Vice-President and Secretary of the OT3 Society, I had to take immediate action.”

 

“That is not a remotely reasonable excuse to tie your member up!"

 

"Ooh getting kinky there Seungcheol, what would you recommend?"

 

"Soonyoung!"

 

“Chill your pants Seungcheol, I’m kidding, he’s worn out from sucking us last night so we shipped him off to the jungle to learn some goddamn stamina.”

 

“…Soonyoung!”

 

“You know I’m just kidding right.”

 

“That’s what you said before.”

 

“Whoops, you’re a difficult one to fool then, aren’t you.”

 

“What the fuck am I supposed to tell the Manager when he comes in and sees 10 dead chickens and a missing Mingyu?”

 

“Surely it must be hard to see a missing person.”

 

“Soonyoung!”

 

“He’s literally about to arrive in a crate from the Jungle, I have the tracking number and everything. Oh hey there Wonwoo, Mingyu’s just about here, he’s gonna be all sexy and tanned, I can’t wait!”

 

“Wonwoo, you’re his boyfriend, please talk some sense into Soonyoung, I’m gonna go mad soon.”

 

“Hyung, Jeonghan-hyung told me to tell you he’s in a bit of an emergency, something about dribbling yoghurt and other X-Rated stuff too potty for my mouth to spout.”

 

“Oh, well, I-I better go help him, Soonyoung you better have this all sorted out when I come back, you hear me?”

 

Seungcheol sprints off to their bedroom. 15 minutes later, the doorbell rings a merry tune.

 

“Wow, I can’t believe that worked.”

 

“I told you, whipped. Now go and get our animal cosplay, our beast from the jungle has returned.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> again, im so sorry


End file.
